Hugs

How good your hugs felt...

It made me cry knowing I have you.

Now I feel even more alone,

Missing the warmth of your hugs, 

I miss you.

Fog

I'm sitting on the rooftop
A bottle of Jack Daniels Coke next to me
Looking down on the lights
Barely visible through the fog

I don't care about the view from here
Or think about jumping over the handrail
I just had to get out and away for a while
Couldn't bear seeing all that I'm used to

It's cold and lonely up here
That's why I came
To think about my life and loneliness
Nothing here but the cold and the fog

I couldn't talk to you and ask you to come
You're too far away
You're too busy with your own life
You're too close to see

At least there's someone here to talk to
Far away but listening nonetheless
Building me up and understanding
Saying three words that mean the world to me

An hour later I walk home again
The bottle of Jack Daniels Coke is empty
Something is different even though nothing changed
And somehow I'm glad I went

I don't know what the future will bring
Probably more of this crap I'm going through now
But there will always be rooftop hours
I'll be sitting here, wishing, hoping for company
And maybe I won't have to go there again

What it means

You don't know what it means
Holding hands
Holding on tight
Not giving up hope

You're just there
And you know what it means
To love
And to trust

You've been hurt so many times before
you don't know what it means
to be loved
and to be held in someone's arms

You're there for others
listening to their pain
their fears
and you wish someone were there for you like this

I'm crying for you
because I know what it means
not having this most essential thing
and not having someone who cares

It is what it is
says love

But what
if I don't know
what it means?

Not here

The stains of a glass of red wine on my notes

the crumbs of a leftover pizza slice

Next to my elbow nailpolish in different shades

and an open bag of M&Ms just out of reach

an effort to put some colour into my lonely life

The TV is running on the highest volume

and an open window to let in the sounds of the night

or the voices of passers-by that cross the street

the whispering of my pages and pages of books

to add some music to the quiet here

The smell of pizza wafts through my room

and the taste of wine lingers on my tongue

the aroma of autumn leaves trickling in through the window

odours that run from my nose to my brain

I'm trying to forget the memories that all these smells evoke

Sometimes I'd like to shut out the colours

Sometimes I'd like to mute the music

Sometimes I'd like to forget the smells

Sometimes I'd like to give up my senses

It's too gay, it's too loud, it's too full

I feel everything twice as much when I am alone

The good things cause suffering

The bad things don't matter that much anymore

I'm just wishing that I could be anywhere else

in the future,

not lonely,

not here.

Don't listen (Hear no evil, speak no evil)

Leave me speechless
Take away my words
Don't listen to what I want to say
 

Stop me from talking
And render me a mute
Don't listen to what I want to say
 

Put a tape over my mouth
Ignore the sounds that leave my lips
Don't listen to what I want to say
 

Pretend that you don't hear me
Put earplugs in your ears
Don't listen to what I want to say
 

Forget what I said
Delete my texts on your phone
Don't listen to what I want to say
 

Misunderstand me purposely
Turn around the words in my mouth
Don't listen to what I want to say
 

Keep my voice down
Turn the loudspeaker off
Don't listen
Don't let me speak at all
 

Don't listen 

Don't hear the sound of my words
 

Don't listen 

Don't let my words become tall
 

Don't listen   

Don't give me a chance to be heard
 

Don't listen 

Don't let me talk to you
 

Don't listen 

Don't pay attention to me
 

Don't listen 

Don't listen
Don't listen at all
Finally, listen, don't listen at all

Gone

You'll be gone soon
Good for you!
You're leaving
Good for me!

I don't want you here
So just go away
I don't need you either
So just disappear

Out of sight
You will be
Out of mind
I hope for

I want to forget you
Not think about
I don't want to suffer
Not anymore

So when you'll be gone
I'll be glad that you left
So when you went away
I'll be glad that you're gone

I know

I know that aftershave
And it gives me a headache
In addition to the one I already have

It pains me that I know the smell
That hideous attraction
Scares the crap out of me

Why do you have to be so right
And yet so wrong
All at the same time?

I love you and I hate you
I don't know how to feel
About your stupid aftershave

You give me a headache
Like your aftershave does
 And I know I don't know what to do.

Taste

A stale taste of cigarette in my mouth
I wake up with and a backache
From lying in bed and sleeping too long

At least that's a taste I can deal with
At least that's a pain I can bear
Compared to the sufferings I have 'cause of you

Stage

You're an actor standing on a stage
Imagining your own reality
Living inside you is another dimension
And in it everything feels real

You're watching the play from the audience
Putting yourself in your actor self's shoes
Living inside you is another dimension
And in it everything feels real

You're living two lives at the same time
You're the actor and the spectator all at once
Living inside you is another dimension
And in it everything feels real

Your love and your passion on stage belong to you and your muse
The story you live is all your strange own
Living inside you is another dimension
And in it everything feels real

You're watching the stage from the audience
You know that the play is surreal
But you feel everything like it's feeling
As you enter another dimension to live in

You try to explain but you're failing
But your two realities can't ever be one
Still you feel everything like it's feeling
And inside you lives another dimension

Too close

I'm getting too close to desperate
For my own measures
Way too damn close

I let you get too close to my heart
For my own measures
Way too damn close

Now I know I can't have you
I never would have
Way too damn far from reach

Now I wish I had never asked
For something like this
Way too damn far from reach

Was I foolish for getting my hopes up
And for trying to get ahold of you
Way too damn impossible

Was I stupid enough to get myself hurt
Over something that could have been great
Way too damn impossible

No fucking way could I tell you how I feel
Because I know it wouldn't change a thing
Way too damn complicated

I have to deal with this all by myself
Because I know nobody would get it
Way too damn complicated

The consequences are all on me
It's my own stupid fault
Way too damn close

I can't blame you for any of it
Because I let you be and become
Way too damn close

Fuck.

Messenger

Cursed be the messenger
For bringing good news
To a country that lives in despair

Cursed be his feet
For walking the distance
To cities built up without love

Cursed be his lips
For speaking the words
Of hope to the people in fear

He ruined the quiet
He ruined the peace
And brought to us passion and light

Two

I can't sleep because my thoughts are confused
What was one before has now become two
And I can't overlay, combine those two anymore
Making it hard to concentrate on sleeping

I see myself in the first one
And almost fall asleep concentrating on it
When the second thought catches my attention
Pulling me with it

Before, I was having trouble with sleeping, too,
But now I have two people keeping me up
Two parts of me that had been one me
And now my ambivalence is showing through

Two things, two parts at the same time
I thought I was doing pretty well
When they were combined, intertwined, connected
That shifted when I let go of control, of me

Now it feels like a river let loose,
Freed from its shackles it turns here and there
Its currents part and mingle again
Each current a current with a life of its own

I try to follow each of the parts that were me
Holding on, trying to see just one
But it's moving on, this river of me
My currents have been let loose, set free

I wonder if this flow is permanent
And I don't know if I should wish for that or not
When somehow I feel different and odd and changed and all wrong
Am I still me, or could I be Two,
two currents, parts of a river of me?